Today I am really really really interested in psychogeography and so I signed into here to follow The LRM blog. I had almost totally forgotten this blog existed. And now I have to go as my baby has woken up.

Oh I am a bad blogger. I just do not have the time. I've bought a paper journal and am trying to write in that instead as it will be something I can give to my children one day. I would be *fascinated* to read a journal my mother kept during my childhood. I feel sometimes that spilling out my words onto here is a thing that is easily lost and can never be regained. I've got a couple of other online journals out there in the ether - I don't know what to do with them now I've stopped writing.

I'm making a fanzine. This is my latest passion. It is true that most zinesters are teenagers. But I will buck the trend. It is called 'Mummyfied'. You can guess the subject matter!

Higher or Lower?

I've been musing the blessing of having my 3rd little one after a gap, unexpectedly and as an older mother. Sometimes I imagine if I'd have my first babies in my early twenties I'd have children now in their late teens, soon to be independent and how different that would make my life...Only now to I have any real understanding of what I want for the rest of my life career wise. I honestly had no idea until my early-mid thirties of what really fulfilled me. And yet it is now again on hold. When my littlest leaves home I will be in my late 50's. And that's if he DOES leave home...(He'd better - I fullly intent to evict all my children at 18) ;-)

And yet, on the other hand - how much more I'm enjoying having a new baby this time. How I struggled and resisted 7 yrs ago when I had my two oldest ones at home. Looking back, I think I was very unhappy. And yet, this time, I am in heaven (mostly). My boy is so relaxed, peaceful and content - and how much of that is down to my behaviour and feelings I can only imagine. So if I'd not become an 'older' mother then I'd never have had this wonderful experience upon which I can ponder and from which I get so much pure happiness.

A perfect example of the 'inbetween' that is the essence of life.

Food Allergy Testing

I am considering paying the extortionate sum of £110 for a food, vitamin, mineral and hormone allergy test. Is it worth it?

Since giving birth I have been having lots of tummy issues which I won't go into in a public forum. I half heartedly eliminated dairy but my friend Sara who knows about these things suggests that it's unlikely to be a dairy intolerance if I have had no symptoms previously. She mentioned citrus, so I've tested the theory by drinking 3 freshly squeezed oranges for breakfast. So far so normal tummy behaviour.

Weighing clinic today. My guess is that boyo will weigh about 16lbs. This afternoon I am joining an Ecoteam of women I met at Bosom Buddies Breastfeeding. We weigh all our rubbish, take meter readings each week and try to improve the way we use resources.

Post the second

I've added a few people to my 'watch' list. You are all on mothering.com which is where I found your blogs - hope that's ok. It feels strangely stalkerish. *blush*

Lying feeding babe in the middle of the night my mind floods with ideas of what to write, questions to ask, people to talk to. All of which I have forgotten by morning.

Outside is so bright and clear. I need to go and pull weeds. I'm fiercely reading around online for someone, somewhere to just tell me in simple language what veggies I can plant outside right now. The guy we paid to help us turn our sloping mountain of a garden into several veg patches was also charged with the task of getting hold of a green house for us. He has vanished and we have no green house. Not that I don't trust the guy - he'll be back but I want it now.

My friend and I spoke on the phone. She has completed her MA. I did the same but a year earlier. She has got an A. I got a B. I am very happy for her in one way but part of me is jealous and self critical. Why did I not get an A? It's so interesting how I can slip into giving myself a very hard time about this very quickly.

First the first

My first Blogger blog. I have been journal less for some time and although my love affair with Facebook continues sometimes there isn't enough space for me to pour my thoughts onto the screen.

I've been trying to get round to purchasing a paper journal to write my how I feel about my new role as mother of 3 (yes THREE) children. A life I never expected to live and is so full I feel I can barely draw breath. Each moment is tainted with the bittersweet knowledge that it's the last time I will have it with my little boy so tiny and small. I am insanely and unrealistically broody already. To be pregnant again with a better attitute this time. I am filled with the creative, nurturing energy I remember from last time and the same sense of frustration when this is thwarted and I realise I simply don't have the time for half the things I want to do. Age.